I’d always had trouble with guys. When I think about my life, most people wouldn’t say I have great physical beauty, or the ability to talk to guys, I also had alarmingly low self-esteem, so I guess you can say that I never had the gift of good luck with the opposite sex. I’ve had many, many crushes, and of all those crushes, no actual successes. I could lump all my crushes into categories: Guys I liked that simply didn’t like me back, guys that were jerks (which most of the time went with the first categorie.), ones that were really nice, but then vanished into thin air, and guys that didn’t even know that I liked them due to my timidness. Sometimes when I thought about all the guys I liked-at least those I can remember well, I asked myself if there was such a thing as chance and probability, then of all the boys I liked, how was it that the outcomes were almost all failures? Ah, a good question. After years of no success, I realized maybe there was something God was trying to tell me. For the longest time I asked myself and if you are in my situation, I am sure you ask these questions too:
Is it because I am unattractive? To some guys I wasn’t attractive, but that doesn’t mean I or you are not attractive indefinitely. Guys all have a specific type they’re interested in, and why would you want to be with a guy who doesn’t want to get to know you just because you don’t meet his physical requirements? Plus, a normal guy may have had other reasons for turning me down. A girlfriend, no interest in a relationship, etc.
Does my shyness give off the air of a stuck-up persona? At times this was true, but I never meant for it to be that way. Plus if a guy truly wants to pursue you, I am sure he will be able to tell the difference between rudeness and shyness.
Is it because I always end up liking the wrong guys at the wrong time? Of my questions, this one came up with its own answer. I merely liked all the wrong guys at the wrong times. In middle school and high school, I always chased after the popular, shallow guys, so of course not being a popular girl, or even someone remotely linked to their circle, I was always quickly turned down. In college, upon getting involved in campus ministry, there was nothing obviously wrong with the guys I did like, but I believe God wants me use this time in my life to enjoy the gift of singleness, and the distraction of a relationship will really stifle my walk with Christ.
Seeing these questions, at first I led myself to believe that no guy could possibly want me. I equated my self-worth with how much guys liked (or better yet didn’t like) me. My need for male attention caused me to do things I truly regret, and I realized that no amount of negative attention was worth the desecration of my purity and morals. I have learned over time I want to be pursued (in a good way.) ,in a way God intends for me to be pursued -when the time comes, but until that time I want to be able to utilize my gift of singleness and view my male counterparts as brothers in Christ.
As I got older, I began to think back on the long string of guys I liked, and instead of continuing to be bitter over what happened to me, I decided to take each guy and reflect on them as a little life lesson learned. In the scheme of things, what good would it have done to dwell on the pain a lot of those guys caused me? I am sure a lot of them moved on with their lives, probably never feeling remorse, and they have little to no memory of me. Instead of thinking about how I got the hard end of the deal, God revealed the good in all of those situations, and how they all have helped me grow as an individual. But with each level of schooling, I learned very different things that coincided with the various seasons of my life:
- You can’t pour your heart to someone you barely know.
- If you push yourself on a guy and he already doesn’t like you, he will like you even less.
- If a guy makes fun of you, he’s not worthy!
- Don’t tell anyone you can’t trust about your crush, very soon it will multiply and everyone will know.
- Don’t let a guy walk over you to get his affection. EVER.
- If your crush is a jerk, and you end up liking one of his friends, they more than likely won’t like you either.
- Crush problems from previous stages of life can carry over to a new one.
- Life is not a fairy tale, don’t expect a guy who didn’t like you to begin with to turn around and like you in return- especially if he was mean to you.
- God and God alone has the power to change people, but unfortunately many people do not change.
- High school is just a phase, so don’t get caught up with the relationships in it.
- There are many good guys out there- who truly follow Christ.
- Putting Christ first can lead to better relationships that honor Him.
- Be careful. Even in churches and worship settings, satan finds his way in to distract you from God.
As you can see, my lessons grew with my maturity. In middle school, my self esteem was so low, I did some things for attention that forever ruined my reputation even through high school. I realized the young boys I was wasting my time on, were not the relationships God wanted me to have! He was trying to tell me there was something way better in store for me and I needed to have the patience to wait for that better something. In my first year of college, I began to get involved in campus ministry and get acquainted with Christ. I met so many people with a genuine heart for Him, it moved me, and I wanted what these people had. I found Christ working through me and more and more of the old me began to drift away.
Before college, I had developed a sexist view against males. I was convinced they were all “after one thing” and that they had no interest in getting to know me. I was very wrong. When I had started getting to know fellow Christians, I realized that there were guys out there that love and serve God, as opposed to the guys I had known in previous stages of my life that used Christianity as merely a label. They treated me with acceptance and kindness, and I began to feel bad about judging my fellow males. I had been held prisoner to my past experiences and it obscured my vision of the goodness before me.
At the beginning of my new walk with Christ, I began to like a certain young man in my campus ministry. He was the first of this “kind of guy” I would like. I saw him on my first day on campus, and it was love at first sight, and by a divine coincidence, I saw the same guy at the first meeting for campus ministry, and he also began to come regularly. I didn’t speak to him much, but I mainly admired him from afar. I saw him actually quite a bit around campus, but my shyness always got the best of me, but I was always thinking up ways I could speak to him another time. Little by little, I would find myself distracted at worship services, and I would think of ways to pursue him for my own personal gain. I was beginning to drift into my old mindset. Then one night, I had gone to service weighed down by my tribulations, and to keep myself from being distracted by my crush, I sat in the back. During praise, I had no intentions of watching him, but my eyes wandered over to where he was. I don’t know what happened to me at that moment, but I had a revelation. The vision of him there, worshipping with a heavy heart, with a downpour of emotion, with everything he had stumped me. It was something I had never seen. The look of absolute joy and peace he had brought tears to my eyes, I wanted that joy and tranquility. And everything I had gone through with all my other crushes seemed to make sense. At that moment, I didn’t see him as some random young man I was interested in, but as a fellow brother in Christ. I felt so horrible trying to pursue him for superficial reasons, and I decided to stop trying to go after him. I saw him originally as something to be won, like a prize. I realized I was living a double standard. How could I complain about guys taking me at face value when I was doing the same? After that day, I tried my hardest not to view him like I used to. Becoming closer with God, I prayed for Him to remove any distractions and that young man no longer goes to my college. I also found out later (through some spying on Twitter.) that he wasn’t someone I would want a relationship with anyway. While not a total jerk, he wouldn’t be someone God would want me to have. I knew it was all for the best. While he was a fellow Christian brother, he was not the guy for me, but his genuine worship at the moment was still a testimony that God was working on him.
So after all that I have been through, I decided to put my love life in God’s hands, and be patient and faithful in His timing. I decided to not dwell on the fact that I am pushing twenty, and I still have yet to have a serious relationship. If you are in my situation think about all the blessings being single gives you as a parting note:
You don’t have the distractions of a relationship, so you can serve God at your fullest at this time!
God is refining you for the relationship he has ordained you to have.
Not having a lot of emotional baggage from failed relationships means you don’t have to worry about your past getting in the way of a new relationship.